Writing Your Story
A strategy frequently used in coaching is to have people write their stories, starting with something they love and cherish in their life now. The next step is to go back to a precipitating event that was crucial for this situation to be present. Then they trace that event to a difficult situation or experience.The point is to recognize that often it is a challenge in life that has helped us arrive at something we currently hold dear.
When I was going through my own Martha Beck Coaching Certification, the example I used was my Santa Letter business.
Years ago I was going through a difficult period in my life when I met a person who asked me to illustrate a letter from Father Christmas to her children. There was something in the combination of drawing, painting, calligraphy and magic that completely captivated me. I illustrated the letter she’d written, and that same year wrote my own letter to the children of friends and relatives.
Fast forward over 20 years, and I have been writing and illustrating letters from Santa ever since. Last year I received the following letter from a young lady who ‘Santa’ sent mail to for over 15 years. (Click
here to read more…)
Receiving a letter like this is incredibly gratifying. Late nights frantically painting letters that were more popular than anticipated, hands numb from calligraphy, last-minute re-do’s of a p.s. because a hamster died or a longed-for Christmas item wasn’t available…are all worth it when I hear this kind of feedback from my clients. Although I didn’t think of it this way over the many years I’ve been sending Letters from Santa, it’s clear to see that I use my top character strengths every time I send a letter out. I encourage you to
focus on your strengths and find ways to intentionally use them in your most important Love, Work and Play settings.
October 28, 2011 in Palms Up by Joan
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Duh…
No disrespect intended, Dr. Seligman, but often when I am reading about how to use the tools of Positive Psychology, I think to myself, “Duh–that is SO obvious!!” And yet research and funding and lots of careers and books have been built around these things our Grandmothers could have taught us….so I guess most of us can benefit from using some of these simple ideas in our lives, especially in relationships. (I know I do!)
A researcher from the University of California, Shelly Gable claims how you celebrate is more predictive of a strong relationship than how you fight.
The way we respond when people we care about tell us about good things can either strengthen or undermine a relationship.
There are four basic ways of responding: Active-Constructive, Active-Destructive, Passive-Constructive and Passive Destructive. The one that builds relationships is the Active-Constructive mode. (Those of you who do this automatically–go pick out a Santa letter for your favorite child…). The rest of you, read on…
To practice the Active-Constructive dialogue, when someone tells you some good news, ask the person to relive the event with you. The more time he/she spends reliving the event, the better. Spend lots of time responding. The following grid summarizes the different response modes.
It is fascinating to bring awareness to how we respond to others–especially if we think we are pretty good at it. Try this and see what kind of results you get. The feedback from those I’ve assigned this to as homework have been amazed!
My intention is to bring these tools to my primary care setting. I’ll be highlighting more tools in upcoming letters. You can also find them at the Positive Psychology website.
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October 28, 2011 in Palms Up by Joan
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A lot of people tell me they wake with a feeling of anxiety…a vague dread surrounding them. Some burrow deeper under their covers, attempting to slip back into the unconscious peace of sleep; others lay there and the thoughts start to accumulate. The anxiety grows. Their stomachs churn, their breath is faster, their head is spinning.
They want to stay in bed. They have started the day in fear.
There’s a reason for this. Jonathan Haidt discusses why humans in general respond with a stronger reaction to fear than good stuff in The Happiness Hypothesis. It’s how we survived as a species–looking out for big-fanged predators, lack of food, shelter, water, and making sure our clan was close.
What we perceive as danger now, of course, is very different.But when we wake with morning thoughts of money issues, work situations, relationship problems– it still triggers the same mechanism in our brains as our ancestors who were waiting for the saber-toothed-tiger to leap from behind the next rock.
Only worse, because our brains have evolved to connect different thoughts, associations and feelings with the fears.
The very act of recognizing that our brains are wired this way can help to quiet the anguishing mind.
If you or a loved one is plagued by this morning angst, here’s a great technique to switch it over to a peaceful start:
First, acknowledge the thoughts that are troubling you. Think of each thought as a lightning bug. Now place each thought, represented by a lightning bug into an imaginary jar. Punch a few holes in the lid–we’re not trying to kill thoughts or lightning bugs, and put the jar aside.
With the thoughts aside, turn to your body. Quietly notice where you are feeling any sensation. Although some people experience anxiety as a feeling in their hands or feet, most people describe physical sensations in their pelvic area, their bellies, their chests, their backs, their shoulders.
So notice where you are feeling yours.
Your lightning bugs may be trying to get some attention at this point. Nod to them, then return to your bodily sensation. Breathe into any place that is carrying tension. Completely allow the physical feelings to be present. Notice them without trying to change anything. Slowly breathe into the specific sensations as if you were using your breath to surround, support and permeate these sensations.
Depending on the level of anxiety you have stirred up, this may take a minute or a few minutes. Give yourself the time.
After the breath gently dissolves the physical sensations, imagine going back to the jar. Open the lid and see who emerges.
Now that you have allowed your body to release the physical tension and have shifted from the Fight or Flight mode into the Relaxation Mode, take whatever thought is most persistent.
Notice what feelings this thought generates in your body.
Allow the feelings, acknowledge the thoughts. Gently question the thoughts: why am I choosing to believe this thought, buy this thought, attach to this thought? Is there a peaceful reason for holding onto this thought?
Simply becoming aware of how our thoughts can trigger anxious feelings is the single most important component in calming down our stress response. Over time, an over-active stress response can erode our immune systems.
Allow the lightning bug to fly on. Enjoy the calm. Be grateful you have a bed, you have breath, you have a brief journey on earth in this body at this moment in time.
To re-cap:
- put your thoughts in a jar
- notice the sensations in your body
- breathe into the sensations until they dissolve
- open the lid and allow the thoughts to re-emerge
- notice how a thought makes you feel in your body
- question the thought
- make a list of what you are grateful for
I’d love to see you at my Body Compass class on July 22nd! I’ll be at TaZa Coffee and Cream shop from 9-11. For people in other locales than Richmond, I am also doing this workshop via tele-conference.
Contact me if you’d like details at joan@joanshepherd.com.
July 7, 2011 in Palms Up by Joan
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We’re born to this planet with multiple ways to access and interpret information. Our brains, our bodies, our intuition and our imagination are a few.
I have noticed that I welcome the ‘easy’ messages I receive from my own personal set of navigational tools: laughing with my daughters, playing on the river with my sweetie, accepting a complement from a client who is pleased with my work, enjoying a delicious meal, or the high from a great run or yoga class.
But I’m becoming more aware of how I respond when incoming data is more difficult to listen to….
I’ve noticed when I feel hurt, frightened or angry in response to a situation, I will almost automatically do something to intervene, shutting off the uncomfortable feeling. Eating, drinking, watching TV, distracting myself on the computer, ruminating on something over and over, or sleeping too much are a few effective ways to avoid dealing with an uncomfortable sensation.
Similarly, if I see bills or paper piling up on my desk, or am avoiding working on a long-term project, I notice sometimes I’ll just start up a new ‘project’ and turn away from that growing pile.
Ultimately, not listening to my ‘Tough Guests’ creates a backlog of muck. It can feel like anxiety or being overwhelmed. I feel stuck, so I get stuck.
The very cool thing is that I’m getting pretty good at using my ‘Body Compass’.
Martha Beck, PhD. compares The Body Compass to the childhood game of ‘hot and cold’. Remember? Someone hides an object and as the seeker moves around the space, the hider lets them know if they are getting closer (hotter) or farther (colder). Our body compasses can do the same for us.
As we engage more and more in endeavors that nourish our very souls, our body compass gives us a pure and clear WARM message. When we are involved in activities that do not serve our values, our body compass will give us a clear COLD reading- if we are using it.
If you frequently feel that you are living your one wild and precious life mostly doing things that other people want you to do, or have great dissonance between how your life looks and how you want it to look, you may find this tool invaluable.
Imagine a time that you felt safe and loved. Notice how this physically feels in your body. Call this feeling the “Plus 10″ on your body compass. Next imagine a time that you felt vulnerable and hurt, again noticing how this feels in your body. This is your “Minus 10″. Write down 5 things you will do in the next 24 hours-and this can be anything, not necessarily a huge event. Imagine yourself doing each item you’ve written and give it a rating based on your physical response, using your Body Compass scores.
I have my clients focus on the lowest rated activity. This is usually a wonderful starting point for asking, “If I don’t like doing this, then why am I doing it?” Be incredibly alert for words such as “should” and “have to”…especially if no one is standing there with a gun making you do it.
Using the Body Compass is becoming more and more habitual for me. It keeps me in the one and only place that’s all we have: right now. I know I’ll never be perfect at accessing it 100% of the time, but I’m working on it.
June 23, 2011 in Palms Up by Joan
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